Summit
-
Andrew Du

Two weeks ago, I ran away from home to find you. I knew my mom wouldn’t call the
police. She just sits and drinks all day waiting for dad to come back. I always thought she was
crazy, waiting for someone who would never return, but now I think I understand her a little
more. I’m just as crazy as her. I guess it runs in the family.

I’d kept a journal with me to write down all the things that happened since you’ve been
gone and all the things I wanted to tell you, but I left it at the bus station, and when I went to pick
it up, it wasn’t there anymore. That wouldn’t have happened if you were with me, though I guess
I’d never need something like that if you were with me.

I wonder if you still even recognize me. A few days ago some dude asked me out for a
drink. Did I look that old? I spent the day getting a haircut and a shave. It’s crazy how much of a
difference a haircut can make, because after that people started asking where my parents were
when I was walking out at night.

You can see me, right? After all, I climbed up here so I could be closer to you. I wish I
could see you, too.

I don’t think anyone at school even notices I’ve been gone. They worried for like a day
after you were gone. Then they stopped caring. It’s like I’m the only one who still remembers
you were around in the first place. It pisses me off.

Speaking of school, the club’s pretty much been dead ever since. I guess it checks out
since you were the only one who really ever cared as much as I do about hiking, and everyone
joined the club because you were in it. We can’t host any meetings without the vice president,
anyway, and I can’t bring myself to take your name off the roster.

Remember when we talked in the library about mountain climbing? You were the only
person I’d ever met who knew what Mount Rainier was. I doubt you ever realized, but that
conversation meant a lot to me. You were the only person who listened.

You were the only person who wanted to help make the hiking club, and those days in
the clubroom are the happiest memories I have. Somehow, I thought everything would be okay
as long as you were there. You made me feel glad I woke up in the morning. You were the
reason I pushed through the hell I live in.

I don’t think I ever moved on from you. Even though it’s been three months by now. It’s
not normal to be hung up on something for that long, right? It seems like everyone else has
moved on. Everyone except me.

I still don’t know why you invited me to eat lunch with you. I still don’t know why you
helped me form the club. I still don’t know why you waved hello to me in the hallways. I still don’t
know why you made that promise that we’d climb Mount Rainier together.

​

You always whined when there was homework. You always complained about feeling
sick whenever it rained. You always curled my hair with pencils whenever I had my back turned
to you. But I think I loved you. I think I still love you. It just sounds pathetic when I say it out loud.

I think, deep inside, I wanted to be the only person you cared about. I wanted to think
you wouldn’t be able to live without me, though if we switched places I know you would’ve been
fine. I think I wanted you to be unhappy. I was probably nothing but a shackle to you, which is
why I can’t help but feel guilty about what happened to you. You would’ve been perfectly fine
without me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep our promise. I ended up climbing Mount Rainier on my own. I
couldn’t stop picturing your wide smile and reckless backward sprinting on the trail in front of
me. I want to think you’ve been watching over me this whole time. I want to think you’ve been
beside me when I got up here.

I reached the summit of Mount Rainier a few hours ago. At first, I’d wanted to climb up
here and yell out everything I wanted to say to you, as if being closer to the sky would carry my
words to you. The whole thing sounds unbelievably stupid now, so I spent the last few hours
throwing rocks off the cliff and watching the sun set.

I think I wanted to talk to you again. I think I wanted to tell you how much you meant to
me. I think I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I think I wanted to be
honest with myself, for once. I think I wanted to be close to you again. I think I wanted to trap
you in a cage so you wouldn’t leave me again. I think I just wanted to see you one more time.

I think I wanted to jump. I wanted to be with you again because I couldn’t see a life
without you. But these past two weeks, living how I want to, doing what I want to, looking for
what matters to me, weren’t half bad.

You were everything to me. You saved me from the cage I was locked in, and even when
you’re gone, you helped me look ahead. Now it’s my turn. I want to be someone you can be
proud to be with. I want to see the person you saw when you chose to believe in me. So when
we finally meet again, you can be proud to have known me.

I think I’m gonna go home tomorrow.